Just Keep Swimming

"You are Clomid Failure"

.

"No follicular growth."

"85% of women with anovulation get pregnant with ovulation induction. You are in the 15% that won't."

"Endometriosis also lessens your chances."

I know, I've beaten this topic into the ground and six feet under. But seriously? Never in a million years did I think starting a family would be so damn difficult. I feel so broken, and I feel like I'm failing my husband. Not to mention all of the above statements? From a single appointment.

I keep telling myself it's okay, finding out these issues can only help because we know what we're dealing with. Each new issue we find is another step closer to helping me achieve our little miracle. It will happen. It WILL happen. Just keep swimming, and no I'm not referring to Toby, either.

In all honesty, I am feeling so much more confident since seeing this new doctor. He has been so helpful and so proactive in the month I've been seeing him. I was incredibly worried about my comfort level, being a male doctor and all, but surprisingly it has been much less than awkward than anticipated. Not to mention we have a set plan, and my feelings are actually considered. After each appointment we sit down together and have a consultation of what he sees and where to go from there.

Most importantly, rather than being told there is nothing left to do with me and leaving me to feel like less than a person, he reassures me that he is completely confident that it will happen for me. And for now, that's enough to keep my head above the water. 

We're Moving Where?!

Holy crap we're moving to Hawaii, and I'm finally excited about it! We're not leaving for a while yet but the planning has already begun. There are so many things to worry about with Jack, with packing regulations, shipping out our car, finding a home (on or off base?), and what happens with my work/school future. Luckily for me, I found there's a MA school in Honolulu so I'll be all set for education! Next things to work on is making sure my kitty boy is up to date with vaccinations so he doesn't have to face the chance of quarantine. Thankfully, we still have over a year to figure every thing out. Yup, we're not due there until February of 2014. 

Operation: Make a Baby is currently up in the air for now. I had a follow up appointment on Friday and was told in no less words, "There's nothing more we can do for you, here's a card for the Seattle Infertility Clinic." Talk about compassion. Or not. I held my composure as I walked through the waiting room full of expectant mothers, I got down the elevator and out to the car, and then it all broke out. I cried for what felt like hours. My eyes hurt, my heart hurt. Why am I broken? Why can't this be as easy for us as it is for others? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? 

But, I pulled myself together, moved on with my day and called another doctors office once I could stomach it. This one simple phone call, talking with only a receptionist, was enough to give me the tiniest glimpse of hope. I can do this, I can keep my head together for two weeks until this next appointment, and I will not give up so easily. When you want something in life, no matter what it is, you don't give up. You give everything you have for it and it's exactly what I'm going to do.

As for day to day life, there's nothing much going on with the two of us. Toby leaves for the field in a few days and will be gone for no less than two weeks, weather permitting. I got through it last year without internet, cable, a job or school. This time I have three of four so it should be a breeze! Afterwards will be Thanksgiving and I can't wait to cook up a feast! We should be hosting a few of his friends who also won't be visiting family, and that makes it all the better. I love the friends we've made so far and can't wait to make more as we progress through the army life. 

No Place Like Home

It feels so good to be back in Washington and in the swing of things after a very eventful Ohio vacation. Two deaths, two weddings (receptions), and a baby all in a two week span. Even though it was a well needed break, I'm so happy to be back to our daily schedule. Wake up, take hubby to work, back to sleep, go to work, pick up hubby, dinner and then bed. It doesn't leave much down time but it's our perfect little routine.

While vacations should be exciting and fun I also find them incredibly stressful. You take time off work resulting in a loss of pay, you spend hours packing just to realize you forgot something important, and from this far you have to fly.. I hate flying. Then, once you arrive, everybody that never contacted you to make plans expects you to make time when it's convenient for them completely careless of whether or not you have already committed to something else. And when you say you can't, you're the bad guy. When we come home only once or twice a year, I don't think it's too much to ask to make some time for us. Then again, it really helps to clarify who your real friends are.

All of that being said, I absolutely LOVE seeing my family and how much everyone has grown. It's sad to be apart for so long but amazing to see everyone and how they are doing. My little sister had her 16th birthday while we were home, and one of my older brothers got married! How awesome to be able to share these events with the ones you love.

October brings a lot to the table for us, but I say bring it on. We will be celebrating two years of marriage and six years of being together this month. We both have birthdays, and we are desperately hoping for those two little lines to appear. Along the way we have family members with anniversaries and birthdays to remember. Not to mention reenlistment and finding out where to next! I can't wait for our next adventure together, because as long as we're together I know we'll be okay. As for home? Home is where my husband is.

As Time Goes By...

Can you believe September is only two days away? Amazing. It's so crazy to think that in a little over a month I will have been married and moved across the country two years ago. My parents always told me that as you aged time went by faster, but I never believed it. Now I just want the days to slow down! The good news is we will be home in about three weeks and I can't wait. It's the best feeling to see your family when you only get to do so once or twice a year. I've been a bit more fortunate than Toby, but it's still not enough. As October approaches we have the opportunity to pick our new home, and we're looking to move a little closer to Ohio. Perhaps then we might get visits instead of only seeing family when we get to take vacation.

As for now, we're trying to visit what we can of Washington before we go, whenever that may be. We went to Portland at the beginning of the month, what an eccentric city. Much different than anywhere I have ever been but that's the beauty of it. Everywhere you go will always be different and will always have some sort of quirk that takes some getting used to. I'm beyond excited for our next adventure and what stories that city will hold.

We're still just trucking along, both working the days and enjoying the couple hours we get of each other before bedtime. I wouldn't mind a slower pace, or even just a couple more hours of us time, but it helps us to appreciate each other more. Once we start our family I'll more than likely give up working to be at home with our child(ren). But until then, this is what works for us. Wake up, take Toby to work, come back home for a nap, go to work, pick up Toby, have dinner, go to sleep, rinse and repeat. Oh the life...

Portland: August 4, 2012

Think Before You Speak

It's funny, really, how so many people just speak without thinking. I swear if one more person asks WHEN we're going to have a baby, or even WHY we don't have one I'm going to explode. I wonder, does anyone consider that there could be reasons why someone doesn't have a family yet? Why is it that being married requires an instant family, anyway? Perhaps if it were in the interest of anyone to catch up with us more often than not there would be no need to ask, because you would have the story. I guess I could be partially to blame since it's something I don't like to openly talk about it, but here it is short, sweet, and quite condensed.

As stated in my last post, we began Clomid treatments back in April. Clomid is medication designed to help women ovulate. Obviously without ovulation there's no chance of conception, just in case you didn't know. There are different doses to take, increasing each month you're unsuccessful in the one thing you want more than anything. And if it doesn't take for you, most often after 6 rounds my doctor told me, it's time to move on to the more invasive procedures. And all of this begins with your doctor telling you that you are now a statistical figure, a woman with fertility issues that may or may not be fixable with medical treatments.

The funny thing is, for the last two years of trying I would have never thought of myself being one of "those" women. It's terrifying, emotionally tolling, and just down right upsetting. So for the past three months I have been awaiting the right days to take different medication to play around with my hormones and my emotions. I've dealt with the constant disappointment of negative pregnancy tests, while watching what feels like everyone I know get their positives and have their babies. What can you do besides put on a brave, smiling face and tell them how happy you are for their growing family?

So here we are, three rounds in. While I would like to say that things are going fantastic, you tend to get incredibly pessimistic. I wonder if it will ever happen for us, and why it hasn't yet. I wonder so many things, and start to question others. Your feelings, your beliefs, your values and goals, everything just starts falling apart on you. And everyone is still asking you the most painful question you can hear. You smile, you tell them no you don't have children or that you're "working on it" and it will happen soon. How easy does that sound, just "working on it." I could only pray that one day it's that easy for us.

It seems like unless you're the one facing problems, you don't realize that they exist. I'm very guilty of this mindset and am finding that more and more people seem to be as well. Not once did it ever cross my mind that I could have fertility issues, and that starting my family could lead to such intense heartache. But here we sit, still trying and still waiting for our miracle to happen, just waiting for that second line to appear on the test that is a part of my morning routine.  And I know one day it will.

7 Months Later...

I will get the hang of this blogging thing... eventually. 

So much has happened recently I couldn't help but think I should update, and bring this blog back to life! For starters, I finally found a job and I absolutely love it! Contrary to the popular belief of everyone I know, Salon Centric is a beauty supply store... not a salon. Everybody keeps asking when they can come see me to get their hair done, and I feel so bad to turn them down! It's the perfect job for me because I'm still connected to the cosmetology world, but I don't have the emotional toll of leaving my clients when we move again. 

Another huge adventure happening in our life is the prospect of buying a house! Not just any house, but my Dad's place. After 4 very long years of fighting with his weeping widow, the estate is finally coming to a close and I'm getting what I rightfully deserve. Unfortunately, it didn't all go as planned.. but that's life right? We have to pay back taxes, but it's totally worth it for what a great piece of real estate that is! I can't wait for all the opportunities we'll get from this prospect! The plan is to rent it out for now, and once the economy picks back up out at home we'll sell it. I can't wait for the doors this will open!

My most exciting piece of news is that we are FINALLY on the right track for our TTC journey! I will start a round of Clomid later this month/early April and hope that we are finally blessed with a little one! I can't wait to start our family, it's been a long hard road of trying, and getting a doctor to find that I have medical issues that needed correcting, but we are finally there! If all goes well with this round, we just might have a little one by the beginning of 2013! Let's just hope those Mayans weren't right...