Let me start off by saying I've wanted to update everyone a million times, but I felt awkward and embarrassed. I felt like if I put this out there we would be judged, ridiculed, and looked at differently by some. But the more I thought, the more I realized... If anyone had something less than supportive to say about the situation they obviously aren't who we thought they were in our lives. With that said, I know there will be private judgement anyway and speculation of what "really" is going on, I know there will be those who will find it tacky or trashy that we would air our "dirty laundry" for the world, and then there will be those who love us, support us, and trust us while standing by our side as we fight through this. The latter are those I'm writing this for. Those who have stood by us through our journey to Levi, during Levi's health scares, and will continue to after the fact. Those who have prayed for us, for the known and the unknown. We're ready to let you know just what those unknown prayers are for.
This has been the hardest two months of our lives. We have never felt more scared or uncertain. We've never been more hurt by things said to us; accusations, opinions and assumptions. Never in a million years did we think this could or even would happen to us. I can honestly say that I have found the one thing worse than dealing with infertility to achieve our child, and that is the potential for him to be taken away.
Levi was admitted to the children's hospital per his GI before we even left the office on November 22. His vomiting was out of control, his weight was down, and we needed to get him hydrated and gaining weight. We had no idea what was going to happen while we were in the hospital or the hell we would be put through following that visit. Part of his treatment plan was to have an NG tube, later advanced to an NJ tube placed. To do this there was a need for X-rays to assure correct placement, Levi received four on separate days. It wasn't until the 26th, when he received the fourth X-ray, that our fate was sealed. They found a fractured rib in our baby.
The GI came in to tell us, he explained that it looked to have been about 2 weeks old based on the calcification. He told us that he had no doubts about us, but per hospital policy he needed to report it. The child abuse specialist from the hospital had to come see us, and we would also need to speak to the hospital social worker. Levi needed to have more tests done, a bone scan and an MRI. Despite finding nothing aside from the rib, CPS became involved and that's when the worst came to light.
The abuse "specialist" attacked us from the moment she met us. Accusations were thrown and hurtful things said. We were told that his injury was caused by squeezing Levi and that it would be easy to get that frustrated with "a baby like Levi, with his health problems and crying." Every possibly idea we had for his fracture was brushed to the side. It couldn't have been when we swaddled him or tucked him in too tight. It definitely wasn't caused by massaging his belly for gas relief too hard or tightening his car seat too much. We questioned all his previous doctor and hospital visits, we were grasping at straws to find someway, somehow our baby had been hurt. But no, the "nature of the injury" seemed to prove that one of us had squeezed him. She went so far as to say that he could have been run over by a car and not sustained the fracture. This is when we knew we had a long road ahead of us, we just didn't realize all that it held.
Levi was placed in 72 hour protective custody. Had we not been in the hospital we would not have been able to stay with him, he would have been placed in foster care. However, until we had a family member out with us we couldn't leave the hospital with him. At that point, November 30, Toby's dad came out to stay with us for the week. Finally, after a week in the hospital, we were returning home. We had home visits and meetings, and it was then decided that they would continue pursuing our case. If no family member could stay with us, once again they would be looking to put Levi into the system. Luckily my mom then came out, and stayed with us from December 6th until January 16th, when other circumstances were put into place, doing whatever we can to keep our baby in our home, in our care.
We have taken polygraphs and personality inventories, we have two different social workers coming into our home weekly and have unannounced visits from the case worker. We are trying day after day to figure out how this could have happened to our sweet boy, who we sought after for so long. We question ourselves for seeking medical attention so often. While we know it was right, getting him the help he needs, we are so hurt that it seems to have backfired on us. From birth until this surfaced Levi had been in the care of a medical professional at least once a week, sometimes more. It was never noted that he was in pain, he was never inconsolable, and there was never any bruising. My birthing physician has even written to say it was possible that it was acquired during the c-section. We have found that the abuse "specialist" has previously falsely accused parents of abuse, mistaking birthmarks for bruises, and they continue to take her word. It seems the state of Washington's system has a malicious agenda against us, they're only goal is to tear our family apart and all we can do is stand our ground in the line of fire.
We have appointments, meetings, and so much more taking up all of our time, but we are standing strong as a family. We have received an overwhelming amount of support from the family and friends we have previously confided in, and we couldn't be more grateful. There is such a long road ahead of us but we know we can get through this by standing strong, the three of us together. It's funny how the things you think will break you most tend to only make you stronger, and that's just what it's doing for us.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Sweet Child Of Mine
Now that my little man is 3 months old, I just realized I never got around to posting Levi's journey into the world! I typed it a while back, mostly for my own safe keeping, but have had a few ask about it. Nothing gruesome or horribly detailed, just a typical labor gone wrong scene from a movie haha. Anyway, here it is!
So on Monday the 7th we had our 40 week appt, I was 40w5d and ready to go! We were expecting an NST, an ultrasound to check fluids and planning to discuss induction dates. As seemed to have been a trend for my appointments, my doctor was out delivering and should be back "at any time." In the mean time, the nurse hooked me up for my NST and started monitoring that while we were waiting.
Someone called, and she's the only nurse in the office (there's also an office manager but she just does the desk/billing) so she had to go take it. While she was out DH watched the little chart recording and I started to have a contraction. OH, that's what a real one feels like! My eyes started watering and I couldn't talk through it, it seriously hurt so bad. That's when DH got a little nervous and started asking what things meant on it, "Well this one went down really low when this one went up! What's UA? What's HR?" I knew HR was his heart rate, and assumed the other one had to do with contractions.. eventually we deducted uterine activity but who knows if we were right. Anyway, our sweet boy's heart rate dropped from 150 to 70 with that contraction, a big no no. The nurse actually told us at that point we should have went out and interrupted her phone call, but we obviously didn't know any better.
So the doctor still wasn't back after a half hour of monitoring (I was contracting every 10 minutes and didn't even know other than the big one!), and the nurse called to see what we should do. When she came back I was told to go home and get our things and head to the hospital because I needed more monitoring, a test with Pitocin to start contractions and see how he would react, and would probably be having a baby. So that's what we did, came home, and our lovely kitty boy obviously knew something was up because he had pushed his way into our room (it's been off limits since May) and was laying in baby's bed. NOT COOL JACK. We packed, and out the door we went.
She told us she had called the hospital but I guess they had no idea we were coming. This was the first red flag. We got into the triage room and they began to monitor me and I had to explain what was happening. Well this flake took it as I was telling them I was supposed to be getting induced and told me "I wish doctors wouldn't tell patients what WE are going to do, it just gets their hopes up." We tried explaining it was just to monitor his HR and that was it, but she wasn't having any of it. So I was monitored with my little baby contractions and everything looked fine to her since she didn't do what she was supposed to. At that point she called my doctor to say things looked fine and that since they were completely full there was nothing they could do at that point. That's funny, because she had just told us they were full except one room, and even told us it was room #7. Whatever lady. Well, my doctor didn't like that and he called to my room to talk to me. He told me he wanted me to go to the other hospital he delivers at and we agreed that was best. THIS LADY CALLED HIM BACK AND TRIED TO TALK HIM INTO SENDING ME HOME INSTEAD. Oh yeah, and we could hear her and the other nurse talking about me the whole time since my room was behind their desk. Real professional. Anyway, my doctor said no, discharge me and let me leave.
Scene 2.
We're at the next hospital and being monitored, with the Pitocin, NO WAY! The nurse isn't liking what she's seeing after a few hours and calls my doc, he says it's c-section time. So they all go about doing what they do, calling another doctor and all the techs or whatever they need and DH gets in his scrubs. I'm all hooked up to things and unhooked from others, have my sweet hair net in.... and we wait. The nurse comes back in and says the doctor is going to call my room and that she's sorry... Uhhh?
Well no doctor that works with my doctor is available to come section me. It's a good thing my kid is loving contractions and not in danger or anything. My doctor, who is so sweet with words, tells me that for the interest of my baby we need to "go the the other hospital again and be ready for a section, we can't risk baby's death over this." I love this guy, he's the one that talks to me about my stretch marks every visit lol. So everything is taken off, the hospital makes sure there are no legalities by letting me go, and we're off again. Sounds short lived, but it was a good 3-4 hours there.
Scene 3.
Back at the first hospital, never been so thankful for a shift change in my life. Back in triage to be monitored... AGAIN. Because obviously nothing is actually wrong, my doctor is just concerned for no reason. After an hour or so there we find out there's one lady before me who is working on a VBAC. Apparently when those are happening nobody else can have a baby because the anesthesiologist was "on call" for her until she had her baby. At that point I finally lost it and started crying, my baby is showing distress when I contract, and there's nothing anyone will do to help him. Good thing this wasn't an emergence of anything. So now, the nurse makes DH take a sandwich and tells me I can't eat anything because I'm waiting on a section. I had a bagel for breakfast at 7:30, and a piece of turkey and cheese rolled up at 1:30. It's now 8ish and I'm beyond hungry, tired, worried... Yeah no control on the emotions.
She comes back in a while later and takes me to a new room, it's a recovery room but she thought we would be more comfortable since it's looking like tonight isn't going to happen. Around 11 she comes in and lets me know it won't be, and that I can eat. That was probably the best Subway I've ever tasted in my life. It probably could have been dirt on bread and I wouldn't have cared though. We also find out that baby seems to have settled and now my doctor wants to try to induce in the morning instead of going c-section. Whatever, just get my baby out healthy PLEASE. Sleepy time, morning time, 6am and we're moved to a delivery room.
In this room they started the Pitocin and I was monitored from about 6:30 to 11:00 ish. I had to move to this side, that side, stand, oxygen mask, this side, that side, sit up, stand. Nope, baby doesn't like contractions. He's not having any of it. So my nurse leaves to call the doc, and at 11:30 said my doctor will be in at 12:00pm for surgery. Nothing like short notice, even if we knew it was a possibility the whole time. So DH got ready, he looked like the hazmat guys from Monsters Inc. which cracked me up. I needed that with as nervous as I was.. he held my hand and tried to calm me down and then it was go time.
Once in the OR it was flipping FREEZING. I couldn't decide if I was shaking from nerves or from being so cold, but they gave me a blanket and my sweet nurse held my hands while we did the spinal. Oh the spinal. I guess I'm kind of a misfit because it took him FIVE TRIES before we finally got it. No matter how far right he tried the needle I kept getting horrible pain in my left leg. I could tell he was getting frustrated and he actually told me that if the last try didn't work I would be put under instead. That freaked me out because I knew DH wouldn't be in the room in that case. Poor guy already had to be waiting outside during the spinal so he had no clue what was happening while we tried and tried again.
Finally, it worked and I started getting numb. I didn't like it at all, and all I could think about is what if something went wrong with all the tried and it never wore off. Nerves are fun. So in the mean time I focused on just moving my arms and fingers, the limbs I could feel. They put my screen up and everything and then I had another mini heart attack wondering if they forgot about DH. He came in a few seconds later, informing me that when my doctor walked out of the OR during the spinal debacle he went to get a coke. Must have needed a caffeine boost. So it began, obviously I couldn't feel any pain but I could feel pulling/tugging sensations and that was weird. I was also insanely itchy which sucked because it was only on my face. I actually ended up scratching my face raw because of it, that was cool.
Anyway, they had the special care nurses in the room since the decels were so prominent, along with what felt like 50 other people. My sweet boy was delivered at 1:11pm pacific time, weighing 7 lbs 1.7 oz and just barely 19 inches long. He had the cord around his neck, and a ton of fluid in his lungs but was otherwise healthy, they said. I cried when I first heard him, and DH got to leave my side to go stand with him while he was checked and cleaned. I got to "hold" baby for a bit while I was being finished up, the nurse was actually holding him by my face for me haha. At that point DH and the little one left to recovery, I was still being stitched up and fighting falling asleep because I didn't want to miss a minute of seeing my baby. Going on 2 days and 3 nights of no sleep and fighting it while on morphine is pretty tricky, but I managed!
Once in recovery I finally got to hold my boy skin to skin, and once I could see his face more clearly we decided that he did in fact look like a Levi. We sat in recovery for about 2 hours, DH learned how to bathe, diaper and dress Levi while I continued fighting to stay awake. The nurses also tried helping us to breast feed but as I've recently posted, it's a work in progress.
Levi did end up with a rough start, that night he was whisked away to the nursery because of low blood sugar levels and issues regulating his own temperature. My mom was finally in from Ohio so DH went with Levi and Mom and I stayed in my room. Funny actually, it was the first non-triage room from the day before.. kind of felt like our home away from home! They finally came back about 2 hours later, and after fighting for it I finally did skin to skin again with my boy. Low and behold, his temp went back up... Good thing the nurses knew what was best by telling me he needed swaddled and covered, not undressed. He got to stay with us that night, and the next day but then Wednesday night was the big scare.
They came in to check his oxygen saturation and it was low, they brought in 2 more machines to check and it was low on all 3. He was again, whisked away and the three of us followed. My poor baby had IVs put it, heart monitors and oxygen monitors and otherwise put on. At one point he had an oxygen "helmet" put on him. It was rough and beyond emotional, we were told he probably had a heart issue or a lung problem, maybe a lung infection and all we could do was wait for results. He had to stay over night, I was in too much pain and felt like a horrible mommy for going back to my room. In the morning he would get an EKG and continue being monitored.
Luckily everything looked fine on the EKG, we get another one when he's 6 weeks just to be sure, and eventually his levels evened out on everything. He had to stay two nights in the nursery, Wednesday and Thursday, and finally on Friday he came back to our room. The nurse that day did a suction thing in his tummy because he was still being very spit-uppy every time he fed... Come to find out he still had a ton of amniotic fluid inside so it was no wonder he never wanted to eat. That night was a little rough but we survived and finally on Saturday we were discharged to come home.
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So on Monday the 7th we had our 40 week appt, I was 40w5d and ready to go! We were expecting an NST, an ultrasound to check fluids and planning to discuss induction dates. As seemed to have been a trend for my appointments, my doctor was out delivering and should be back "at any time." In the mean time, the nurse hooked me up for my NST and started monitoring that while we were waiting.
Someone called, and she's the only nurse in the office (there's also an office manager but she just does the desk/billing) so she had to go take it. While she was out DH watched the little chart recording and I started to have a contraction. OH, that's what a real one feels like! My eyes started watering and I couldn't talk through it, it seriously hurt so bad. That's when DH got a little nervous and started asking what things meant on it, "Well this one went down really low when this one went up! What's UA? What's HR?" I knew HR was his heart rate, and assumed the other one had to do with contractions.. eventually we deducted uterine activity but who knows if we were right. Anyway, our sweet boy's heart rate dropped from 150 to 70 with that contraction, a big no no. The nurse actually told us at that point we should have went out and interrupted her phone call, but we obviously didn't know any better.
So the doctor still wasn't back after a half hour of monitoring (I was contracting every 10 minutes and didn't even know other than the big one!), and the nurse called to see what we should do. When she came back I was told to go home and get our things and head to the hospital because I needed more monitoring, a test with Pitocin to start contractions and see how he would react, and would probably be having a baby. So that's what we did, came home, and our lovely kitty boy obviously knew something was up because he had pushed his way into our room (it's been off limits since May) and was laying in baby's bed. NOT COOL JACK. We packed, and out the door we went.
She told us she had called the hospital but I guess they had no idea we were coming. This was the first red flag. We got into the triage room and they began to monitor me and I had to explain what was happening. Well this flake took it as I was telling them I was supposed to be getting induced and told me "I wish doctors wouldn't tell patients what WE are going to do, it just gets their hopes up." We tried explaining it was just to monitor his HR and that was it, but she wasn't having any of it. So I was monitored with my little baby contractions and everything looked fine to her since she didn't do what she was supposed to. At that point she called my doctor to say things looked fine and that since they were completely full there was nothing they could do at that point. That's funny, because she had just told us they were full except one room, and even told us it was room #7. Whatever lady. Well, my doctor didn't like that and he called to my room to talk to me. He told me he wanted me to go to the other hospital he delivers at and we agreed that was best. THIS LADY CALLED HIM BACK AND TRIED TO TALK HIM INTO SENDING ME HOME INSTEAD. Oh yeah, and we could hear her and the other nurse talking about me the whole time since my room was behind their desk. Real professional. Anyway, my doctor said no, discharge me and let me leave.
Scene 2.
We're at the next hospital and being monitored, with the Pitocin, NO WAY! The nurse isn't liking what she's seeing after a few hours and calls my doc, he says it's c-section time. So they all go about doing what they do, calling another doctor and all the techs or whatever they need and DH gets in his scrubs. I'm all hooked up to things and unhooked from others, have my sweet hair net in.... and we wait. The nurse comes back in and says the doctor is going to call my room and that she's sorry... Uhhh?
Well no doctor that works with my doctor is available to come section me. It's a good thing my kid is loving contractions and not in danger or anything. My doctor, who is so sweet with words, tells me that for the interest of my baby we need to "go the the other hospital again and be ready for a section, we can't risk baby's death over this." I love this guy, he's the one that talks to me about my stretch marks every visit lol. So everything is taken off, the hospital makes sure there are no legalities by letting me go, and we're off again. Sounds short lived, but it was a good 3-4 hours there.
Scene 3.
Back at the first hospital, never been so thankful for a shift change in my life. Back in triage to be monitored... AGAIN. Because obviously nothing is actually wrong, my doctor is just concerned for no reason. After an hour or so there we find out there's one lady before me who is working on a VBAC. Apparently when those are happening nobody else can have a baby because the anesthesiologist was "on call" for her until she had her baby. At that point I finally lost it and started crying, my baby is showing distress when I contract, and there's nothing anyone will do to help him. Good thing this wasn't an emergence of anything. So now, the nurse makes DH take a sandwich and tells me I can't eat anything because I'm waiting on a section. I had a bagel for breakfast at 7:30, and a piece of turkey and cheese rolled up at 1:30. It's now 8ish and I'm beyond hungry, tired, worried... Yeah no control on the emotions.
She comes back in a while later and takes me to a new room, it's a recovery room but she thought we would be more comfortable since it's looking like tonight isn't going to happen. Around 11 she comes in and lets me know it won't be, and that I can eat. That was probably the best Subway I've ever tasted in my life. It probably could have been dirt on bread and I wouldn't have cared though. We also find out that baby seems to have settled and now my doctor wants to try to induce in the morning instead of going c-section. Whatever, just get my baby out healthy PLEASE. Sleepy time, morning time, 6am and we're moved to a delivery room.
In this room they started the Pitocin and I was monitored from about 6:30 to 11:00 ish. I had to move to this side, that side, stand, oxygen mask, this side, that side, sit up, stand. Nope, baby doesn't like contractions. He's not having any of it. So my nurse leaves to call the doc, and at 11:30 said my doctor will be in at 12:00pm for surgery. Nothing like short notice, even if we knew it was a possibility the whole time. So DH got ready, he looked like the hazmat guys from Monsters Inc. which cracked me up. I needed that with as nervous as I was.. he held my hand and tried to calm me down and then it was go time.
Once in the OR it was flipping FREEZING. I couldn't decide if I was shaking from nerves or from being so cold, but they gave me a blanket and my sweet nurse held my hands while we did the spinal. Oh the spinal. I guess I'm kind of a misfit because it took him FIVE TRIES before we finally got it. No matter how far right he tried the needle I kept getting horrible pain in my left leg. I could tell he was getting frustrated and he actually told me that if the last try didn't work I would be put under instead. That freaked me out because I knew DH wouldn't be in the room in that case. Poor guy already had to be waiting outside during the spinal so he had no clue what was happening while we tried and tried again.
Finally, it worked and I started getting numb. I didn't like it at all, and all I could think about is what if something went wrong with all the tried and it never wore off. Nerves are fun. So in the mean time I focused on just moving my arms and fingers, the limbs I could feel. They put my screen up and everything and then I had another mini heart attack wondering if they forgot about DH. He came in a few seconds later, informing me that when my doctor walked out of the OR during the spinal debacle he went to get a coke. Must have needed a caffeine boost. So it began, obviously I couldn't feel any pain but I could feel pulling/tugging sensations and that was weird. I was also insanely itchy which sucked because it was only on my face. I actually ended up scratching my face raw because of it, that was cool.
Anyway, they had the special care nurses in the room since the decels were so prominent, along with what felt like 50 other people. My sweet boy was delivered at 1:11pm pacific time, weighing 7 lbs 1.7 oz and just barely 19 inches long. He had the cord around his neck, and a ton of fluid in his lungs but was otherwise healthy, they said. I cried when I first heard him, and DH got to leave my side to go stand with him while he was checked and cleaned. I got to "hold" baby for a bit while I was being finished up, the nurse was actually holding him by my face for me haha. At that point DH and the little one left to recovery, I was still being stitched up and fighting falling asleep because I didn't want to miss a minute of seeing my baby. Going on 2 days and 3 nights of no sleep and fighting it while on morphine is pretty tricky, but I managed!
Once in recovery I finally got to hold my boy skin to skin, and once I could see his face more clearly we decided that he did in fact look like a Levi. We sat in recovery for about 2 hours, DH learned how to bathe, diaper and dress Levi while I continued fighting to stay awake. The nurses also tried helping us to breast feed but as I've recently posted, it's a work in progress.
Levi did end up with a rough start, that night he was whisked away to the nursery because of low blood sugar levels and issues regulating his own temperature. My mom was finally in from Ohio so DH went with Levi and Mom and I stayed in my room. Funny actually, it was the first non-triage room from the day before.. kind of felt like our home away from home! They finally came back about 2 hours later, and after fighting for it I finally did skin to skin again with my boy. Low and behold, his temp went back up... Good thing the nurses knew what was best by telling me he needed swaddled and covered, not undressed. He got to stay with us that night, and the next day but then Wednesday night was the big scare.
They came in to check his oxygen saturation and it was low, they brought in 2 more machines to check and it was low on all 3. He was again, whisked away and the three of us followed. My poor baby had IVs put it, heart monitors and oxygen monitors and otherwise put on. At one point he had an oxygen "helmet" put on him. It was rough and beyond emotional, we were told he probably had a heart issue or a lung problem, maybe a lung infection and all we could do was wait for results. He had to stay over night, I was in too much pain and felt like a horrible mommy for going back to my room. In the morning he would get an EKG and continue being monitored.
Luckily everything looked fine on the EKG, we get another one when he's 6 weeks just to be sure, and eventually his levels evened out on everything. He had to stay two nights in the nursery, Wednesday and Thursday, and finally on Friday he came back to our room. The nurse that day did a suction thing in his tummy because he was still being very spit-uppy every time he fed... Come to find out he still had a ton of amniotic fluid inside so it was no wonder he never wanted to eat. That night was a little rough but we survived and finally on Saturday we were discharged to come home.
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