It's funny, really, how so many people just speak without thinking. I swear if one more person asks WHEN we're going to have a baby, or even WHY we don't have one I'm going to explode. I wonder, does anyone consider that there could be reasons why someone doesn't have a family yet? Why is it that being married requires an instant family, anyway? Perhaps if it were in the interest of anyone to catch up with us more often than not there would be no need to ask, because you would have the story. I guess I could be partially to blame since it's something I don't like to openly talk about it, but here it is short, sweet, and quite condensed.
As stated in my last post, we began Clomid treatments back in April. Clomid is medication designed to help women ovulate. Obviously without ovulation there's no chance of conception, just in case you didn't know. There are different doses to take, increasing each month you're unsuccessful in the one thing you want more than anything. And if it doesn't take for you, most often after 6 rounds my doctor told me, it's time to move on to the more invasive procedures. And all of this begins with your doctor telling you that you are now a statistical figure, a woman with fertility issues that may or may not be fixable with medical treatments.
The funny thing is, for the last two years of trying I would have never thought of myself being one of "those" women. It's terrifying, emotionally tolling, and just down right upsetting. So for the past three months I have been awaiting the right days to take different medication to play around with my hormones and my emotions. I've dealt with the constant disappointment of negative pregnancy tests, while watching what feels like everyone I know get their positives and have their babies. What can you do besides put on a brave, smiling face and tell them how happy you are for their growing family?
So here we are, three rounds in. While I would like to say that things are going fantastic, you tend to get incredibly pessimistic. I wonder if it will ever happen for us, and why it hasn't yet. I wonder so many things, and start to question others. Your feelings, your beliefs, your values and goals, everything just starts falling apart on you. And everyone is still asking you the most painful question you can hear. You smile, you tell them no you don't have children or that you're "working on it" and it will happen soon. How easy does that sound, just "working on it." I could only pray that one day it's that easy for us.
It seems like unless you're the one facing problems, you don't realize that they exist. I'm very guilty of this mindset and am finding that more and more people seem to be as well. Not once did it ever cross my mind that I could have fertility issues, and that starting my family could lead to such intense heartache. But here we sit, still trying and still waiting for our miracle to happen, just waiting for that second line to appear on the test that is a part of my morning routine. And I know one day it will.
