It's funny, really, how so many people just speak without thinking. I swear if one more person asks WHEN we're going to have a baby, or even WHY we don't have one I'm going to explode. I wonder, does anyone consider that there could be reasons why someone doesn't have a family yet? Why is it that being married requires an instant family, anyway? Perhaps if it were in the interest of anyone to catch up with us more often than not there would be no need to ask, because you would have the story. I guess I could be partially to blame since it's something I don't like to openly talk about it, but here it is short, sweet, and quite condensed.
As stated in my last post, we began Clomid treatments back in April. Clomid is medication designed to help women ovulate. Obviously without ovulation there's no chance of conception, just in case you didn't know. There are different doses to take, increasing each month you're unsuccessful in the one thing you want more than anything. And if it doesn't take for you, most often after 6 rounds my doctor told me, it's time to move on to the more invasive procedures. And all of this begins with your doctor telling you that you are now a statistical figure, a woman with fertility issues that may or may not be fixable with medical treatments.
The funny thing is, for the last two years of trying I would have never thought of myself being one of "those" women. It's terrifying, emotionally tolling, and just down right upsetting. So for the past three months I have been awaiting the right days to take different medication to play around with my hormones and my emotions. I've dealt with the constant disappointment of negative pregnancy tests, while watching what feels like everyone I know get their positives and have their babies. What can you do besides put on a brave, smiling face and tell them how happy you are for their growing family?
So here we are, three rounds in. While I would like to say that things are going fantastic, you tend to get incredibly pessimistic. I wonder if it will ever happen for us, and why it hasn't yet. I wonder so many things, and start to question others. Your feelings, your beliefs, your values and goals, everything just starts falling apart on you. And everyone is still asking you the most painful question you can hear. You smile, you tell them no you don't have children or that you're "working on it" and it will happen soon. How easy does that sound, just "working on it." I could only pray that one day it's that easy for us.
It seems like unless you're the one facing problems, you don't realize that they exist. I'm very guilty of this mindset and am finding that more and more people seem to be as well. Not once did it ever cross my mind that I could have fertility issues, and that starting my family could lead to such intense heartache. But here we sit, still trying and still waiting for our miracle to happen, just waiting for that second line to appear on the test that is a part of my morning routine. And I know one day it will.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
7 Months Later...
I will get the hang of this blogging thing... eventually.
So much has happened recently I couldn't help but think I should update, and bring this blog back to life! For starters, I finally found a job and I absolutely love it! Contrary to the popular belief of everyone I know, Salon Centric is a beauty supply store... not a salon. Everybody keeps asking when they can come see me to get their hair done, and I feel so bad to turn them down! It's the perfect job for me because I'm still connected to the cosmetology world, but I don't have the emotional toll of leaving my clients when we move again.
Another huge adventure happening in our life is the prospect of buying a house! Not just any house, but my Dad's place. After 4 very long years of fighting with his weeping widow, the estate is finally coming to a close and I'm getting what I rightfully deserve. Unfortunately, it didn't all go as planned.. but that's life right? We have to pay back taxes, but it's totally worth it for what a great piece of real estate that is! I can't wait for all the opportunities we'll get from this prospect! The plan is to rent it out for now, and once the economy picks back up out at home we'll sell it. I can't wait for the doors this will open!
My most exciting piece of news is that we are FINALLY on the right track for our TTC journey! I will start a round of Clomid later this month/early April and hope that we are finally blessed with a little one! I can't wait to start our family, it's been a long hard road of trying, and getting a doctor to find that I have medical issues that needed correcting, but we are finally there! If all goes well with this round, we just might have a little one by the beginning of 2013! Let's just hope those Mayans weren't right...
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Long Time No Write
So I've come to accept that I'm not a good blogger. Even though I think if I wrote more it would help me out, I just never get around to it. Hmmm.
Anyways, I'm back to trying to get my life on track again. I had a job but quit due to a lack of interest, I miss salon work more than anything. On the opposite end of that, I know I won't find any work like Burton's, so I'm afraid to put myself out there. But if I never try, I'll never know. I've also tried to get myself back on track for school but it doesn't look like that's going to happen either.
It's kind of frustrating to me, to know that I'm trying so hard just for everything to fight against me. Sometimes I think it might be easier to go back home to the job I love and school I know. But how do I live my marriage 2500 miles away form my husband? He thinks it's a good idea too at times, and I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me wants him to let me go, but another part wants him to tell me no, he wants me to stay.
We have issues, any relationship does, but I think this whole thing is just stressing out both of us. I also don't think it helps to have only one vehicle, leaving me stuck in the apartment all day long, with no outside communication. It gets very lonely, and he doesn't understand that. How can I expect him to? He gets that interaction, he's with people all day long. In the end, I just come off as a mean person because once he gets home all I want is his attention. I'm not needy, I'm lonely.. and there's a huge difference.
Anyways, I'm back to trying to get my life on track again. I had a job but quit due to a lack of interest, I miss salon work more than anything. On the opposite end of that, I know I won't find any work like Burton's, so I'm afraid to put myself out there. But if I never try, I'll never know. I've also tried to get myself back on track for school but it doesn't look like that's going to happen either.
It's kind of frustrating to me, to know that I'm trying so hard just for everything to fight against me. Sometimes I think it might be easier to go back home to the job I love and school I know. But how do I live my marriage 2500 miles away form my husband? He thinks it's a good idea too at times, and I don't know how I feel about that. Part of me wants him to let me go, but another part wants him to tell me no, he wants me to stay.
We have issues, any relationship does, but I think this whole thing is just stressing out both of us. I also don't think it helps to have only one vehicle, leaving me stuck in the apartment all day long, with no outside communication. It gets very lonely, and he doesn't understand that. How can I expect him to? He gets that interaction, he's with people all day long. In the end, I just come off as a mean person because once he gets home all I want is his attention. I'm not needy, I'm lonely.. and there's a huge difference.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
To Live In Hearts We Leave Behind Is Not To Die.
It's funny how small holidays hurt as much as the bigger ones. Today's been really slow moving and even the weather has followed suit for the mood. Losing a parent isn't something that can be explained in words. The emotions that run through you constantly, every little thing reminds you of them, and no matter how hard you try to stand strong it all eventually comes out. Unless you've been in the situation, you really don't understand and you can't relate one bit.
It's been three and a half years since my Dad moved on from here, and I'd like to think all his pain is finally gone and he's back playing golf with his buddies and Dad. All the same, where does that leave me still standing on the planet without him? I've accomplished so much in the time that's passed and I feel like it's all for nothing without him here to see it.
Gosh I miss him so much. I can't even explain.
January 26, 1956- January 16, 2008
James Cornelius
It's been three and a half years since my Dad moved on from here, and I'd like to think all his pain is finally gone and he's back playing golf with his buddies and Dad. All the same, where does that leave me still standing on the planet without him? I've accomplished so much in the time that's passed and I feel like it's all for nothing without him here to see it.
Gosh I miss him so much. I can't even explain.
January 26, 1956- January 16, 2008
James Cornelius
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Bittersweet Moments
One of the hardest parts of being so far away from home are the holidays we have to spend alone. Sure we're together, but it would mean so much more if we could be with our families. As Easter comes up, we're going to be spending it with some good friends of ours, we actually spent Thanksgiving with them as well. All the same, being home would just be ideal for these days.
On another note, a new addition to my side of the family made her appearance on April 15th, 2011. Sophia Yvvone is my new niece, one of 5 nieces and nephews I have, and I won't get to meet her until June 2nd. I was just starting to get close with her older brother before we left, thinking I had a chance for one of them to actually know who I was. Pictures really just don't do them justice, these are the years you don't get back, and a picture isn't the laughter I'm missing out on.
We can't have this be all negativity, so let me just say.. Washington, keep the sunshine please! I've really enjoyed it the past week and can't say as if I've ever been happier for a sun burn in my life!
On another note, a new addition to my side of the family made her appearance on April 15th, 2011. Sophia Yvvone is my new niece, one of 5 nieces and nephews I have, and I won't get to meet her until June 2nd. I was just starting to get close with her older brother before we left, thinking I had a chance for one of them to actually know who I was. Pictures really just don't do them justice, these are the years you don't get back, and a picture isn't the laughter I'm missing out on.
We can't have this be all negativity, so let me just say.. Washington, keep the sunshine please! I've really enjoyed it the past week and can't say as if I've ever been happier for a sun burn in my life!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Just the Beginning
April seems to hold so many milestones for us on our journey together! It's so hard to imagine that we've been a part of the Army for a year now. Not to mention Toby is soon so be promoted to an PFC. I feel like it's taken so long to get here, but at the same time it's going by so fast! Six months ago I married my best friend and moved across the country with him the following day. Without spontaneity, what would a relationship be? Nothing short of a very dull life, that's the only thing I'm sure of.
Moving from little Perrysburg, Ohio to the fast paced city of Olympia, Washington.
Land of the trees and home of the gray.
Who's idea was it to place Washington so far from Ohio? I'd like to have a very stern word with them. Ft. Lewis never even crossed our mind when looking at bases. In fact, I don't even think I knew one existed until we were stationed here. It's the hardest thing to live so far away from home, but the one perk? I'm living with my best friend. All I have to do is see him smiling at me, and I know we will be okay.
We have become so much better for each other since our move, but that's the beauty of marriage. You no longer rely on parents or other family members. You have to begin to rely solely on one another, and when all else fails love each other with every inch of yourself. Talk things over, cry if you have to, pray to God for any advice he can offer. The one thing unavailable? Running home to Mom, over 2000 some odd miles away.
Who knew that not two years after I graduated high school I would be not just married, but an Army wife. Definitely not me, the thought wouldn't have crossed my mind in a million years. But honestly? I'm okay with it. This is just the beginning of our journey with the military, and I can't wait to see what else is in store for us.
<3
Moving from little Perrysburg, Ohio to the fast paced city of Olympia, Washington.
Land of the trees and home of the gray.
Who's idea was it to place Washington so far from Ohio? I'd like to have a very stern word with them. Ft. Lewis never even crossed our mind when looking at bases. In fact, I don't even think I knew one existed until we were stationed here. It's the hardest thing to live so far away from home, but the one perk? I'm living with my best friend. All I have to do is see him smiling at me, and I know we will be okay.
We have become so much better for each other since our move, but that's the beauty of marriage. You no longer rely on parents or other family members. You have to begin to rely solely on one another, and when all else fails love each other with every inch of yourself. Talk things over, cry if you have to, pray to God for any advice he can offer. The one thing unavailable? Running home to Mom, over 2000 some odd miles away.
Who knew that not two years after I graduated high school I would be not just married, but an Army wife. Definitely not me, the thought wouldn't have crossed my mind in a million years. But honestly? I'm okay with it. This is just the beginning of our journey with the military, and I can't wait to see what else is in store for us.
<3
Tolmie State Park 4/8/2010
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